


The Rain Of Thoughts

by sweetheartshumjr



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Morgan Stark (mentioned) - Freeform, Pepper Potts (mentioned) - Freeform, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 11:19:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19228111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartshumjr/pseuds/sweetheartshumjr
Summary: After Tony's funreal, Steve takes a moment to think.





	The Rain Of Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> All thanks to my amazing beta knaveryact

It was quiet, save for the sound of the water. Delicate wind, almost as gentle as lover’s caress, touched his face.

But the hand that could have caress his face wasn’t able to. Not anymore.

Ignoring tears forming in his eyes, he fixed his gaze on a beautiful girlande, floating on the surface of the lake. Steve wondered if it was aware of what it contained…

Tony’s heart. The heart he once had but now was lost forever. Heart that Tony himself smashed in his hand. Heart he was given back, just to…

Steve hid his face in his hands.

Until the very last moment he wasn’t sure if Tony truly accepted him back, not until the funeral, when Pepper grabbed him by the elbow and led to the living room. Right where the message from Tony played.

The message meant for Tony’s loved ones. His last words. And after everything that happened, Steve still made it on that short list. God only knew how.

It took all his strength to not break down right then, in front of everyone, despite the hollow place in his chest as he watched him smiling, talking, gesturing… so alive. One teary smile was all he allowed himself - nothing more. Not yet. This goodbye wasn’t his alone, although he was touched he was included; Pepper and Morgan deserved it much more than he ever would.

He didn’t shed any tears during the ceremony either. Those tears weren’t his to spill.

Now, however, he was all alone, and the sinking feeling, tears, and darkest thoughts were back in full force. Neither of this was ever supposed to happen.

All he ever wanted was to see Tony happy - and he was. Steve saw that clearly in his life with Pepper and Morgan in their little remote cabin. He was happy. And yet he still came to their aid, to help with the time heist. He managed to figure out the goddamn time travel, agreed to team up with him, of all people… and when things went south he saved the day again.

All he asked for in return was trust.

And that’s exactly what Steve gave him. How could he not?

They thought it was all over, that they won - at the cost of Natasha’s life, but won nevertheless… But they were wrong. Once again.

In the end the victory was theirs, only because they worked together again. But at what cost… what cost indeed.

A sudden sob shook through Steve’s body, almost bending him in half, when he remembered… Tony’s body. Pale. Without a spark of life in it. How he said nothing because he couldn’t speak anymore.

Oh God, Steve thought. He must’ve been in so much pain in those last moments… So, so much. Filling him to the core, up until the end, all because Steve wasn’t there to protect him.

Of all the people in the battlefield, they chose him to carry him out, and he did. It was the last thing Steve was able to do for him, so ge gently lifted him up, the same way he would in the past when Tony passed out in his lab, and walked. Outside, Steve finally managed to do what he always wanted, yet never could - never before let himself. He kissed Tony’s cheek, gently, watching his tears rolling down Tony’s face.

And after that, Steve was left with one thought.

He should have done better.

He carried this one sentence through all these days; that he should have done better, should have done more, should have tried harder. Not now, before, before it all… He should have…

The tears kept flowing until Steve thought he doesn’t have an ounce of water left in his body. As if brought by this, a loud crack of an oncoming storm peeled through the valley. Few raindrops fell onto Steve’s face.

Given a chance, he’d do anything. Everything, he thought, everything to bring you back, get a second chance, to… to…

But he couldn’t. Could he?

Suddenly, as the first lighting broke through the sky, he opened his eyes in a sudden realisation. He could make it right. He could make Tony happy again. But should he, now? Was it right?

Steve shook his head. To hell with that. Tony deserved to live much longer, deserved to slowly grow grey and old, watch the kids play in the garden, lead a life in the world without war. And Steve would be damned if, gotten the second chance, he’d screw it, if he won’t provide it to him knowing he was able to.

He raised from the bench with a last gaze at the girlande which slowly began sinking in because of the rain’s force.

" I’ll do it " he said softly, with a strange sense of power underneath the words. " For you, Tony. Only for you. "

There was no answer, save for the hum of the rain and thunder.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and yell at me on Tumblr at @iwillmissyoutoni


End file.
